This is an attempt to describe where I am coming from when I write. It is very difficult to put this into words and perhaps very difficult for someone else to understand. If you read this and don't get it, that is Okay; we all have different ways of looking at things. So here goes:
Not too long ago, I thought I knew most of the answers about life, and about the world in which we live. As a child, I was raised as many Christian kids are, hearing the bible stories and reciting creeds and prayers. I had very limited ideas about myself, the world we live in, and who or what God is. It was a sterile, lifeless, rule-bound existence. Yet even then there was a glimpse of what was to come.
At a church summer camp when I was maybe 10 or 11 years old, the gospel was presented in such a way that something happened in me - I understood for the first time what light was. But when I returned home, I soon found there was no one to share what I had, and no one to talk to. I thought it was a dream. The light was covered.
The years passed by, and with them many struggles and trials. During that time, I didn't fully understand where I was being led, but I did get a glimpse now and then. Now I understand that the purpose of this was for me to learn that something was missing in my life, it wasn't Real.... If you listen to the Joe Walsh song "Life of Illusion", it comes close to what I am trying to describe. A book that I was reading at the time led me to find out about Anthony de Mello's book "Awareness". I read it and began learning from it. The change began.
Becoming Aware involves stripping away at layer upon layer of brainwashing and self-delusion. I began to see! Everywhere I looked with my opening eyes I saw the gaps; gaps in myself (who I thought I was), and gaps in what I knew of the world around me. For me, that was terrifying, as pillar after pillar of beliefs that I had built my life on crumbled and fell. But then I saw light shine down in the places where they fell from; light and life.
When I began to SEE, I realized how little I know of everything. I cannot begin to answer the most basic of questions about who I am and why I am here, let alone understand the wisdom of a being that could conceive of creating a universe, yet still have the time to call me by name and Love me. Instead of causing fear in me, the things I began to see caused wonder and joy - no longer must I carry the burden of dogma and religion to answer questions, for most of them are something that we cannot know. I could finally lay down the burden of this tremendous weight and freely confess that I am one who does not know - and look to the one who created all of this in awe and wonder. I learned that I truly know nothing of God, for I had mentally placed him in a box based on man's ideas. It has so changed my life that I hestitate to use the word "God", for this will cause many people to place him back in the box, and in doing so shut their eyes.
Even the act of trying to write about Reality is impossible, for you cannot describe Reality without losing it's meaning. The only way to know it is to experience it. Words simply cannot describe it.
It doesn't matter whether or not you believe this religion, another, or none at all. If you pursue awareness - what some people call enlightenment - I think you will find yourself in this place. I am also certain that the route I took to get where I am may not be the same as the one that someone else should follow. You must look and search until you find that which leads you here.
I would like to leave you with this message of hope to ponder on. It comes from an Arabic saying that Anthony de Mello quoted in his book "Awareness":
"The nature of the rain is the same, yet it makes thorns grow in the marshes and roses in the gardens."
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